It’s a rainy day during the last full week of November, four days before the new moon. I’m writing on my laptop at the desk in my bedroom, a carry-over of my work-from-home days during the COVID lockdown. It’s now my “writing nook.”
I’ve been working on setting up this website for a week or so now, and looking forward to this moment.
No, wait. In truth, I’ve been wanting to get this website going for way more than a week, for years, maybe even decades. But somehow I always talked myself out of it, or I tried starting something and it never “took off.” This time, I’m committed. Why? Because I need to do this.
I can’t ignore the call anymore. I have to express myself. I need to share my thoughts with the world, with whomever will listen, with whomever is meant to receive. I’ve got too many thoughts to keep to myself.
I’m a thinker, a deep thinker, a philosophizer, if you will. I can’t help but ask and ponder big questions and fall down rabbit holes when contemplating the answers. When I text friends, my messages are usually paragraphs-long. I’ve even begun to call them “blexts“—blog-length texts.
I love to brainstorm and do “mental gymnastics” (I’m not sure where I first heard that term, but I use it a lot). Oh, and fair warning: I “talk in pictures” and use metaphors A LOT. I’m a visual thinker.
My intention is to share my thoughts—about All the Things (though I know there will be themes)—in the hopes that doing so will inspire you to share yours. I’m doing this for me, but also I hope this exercise will be helpful for you, too.
I have come to realize that I’ve spent too much time being afraid of sharing my take on things, for fear that people won’t get it, or will criticize my ideas, or dislike me. Holding myself back like that has only caused the ideas and thoughts to build up and get jammed inside my head. And keeping them to myself helps no one, and doesn’t allow the thoughts to develop. When I do share my thoughts or questions, others often respond with “I’m really glad you said that,” or “I was thinking the same thing but afraid to ask…”
So, I feel like I’m being called to share my thoughts with others, almost as if the thoughts aren’t just mine, but that they are coming through me and have a life of their own and need to socialize with other ideas and other brains, so they can manifest their full potential. And by doing so, perhaps I’ll realize my own.
I was talking about this with my sister the other day, catching up after a while. The topic of imposter syndrome came up, how so many of us doubt ourselves and feel like we’re not enough, or feel like we don’t know enough to speak with authority on certain topics, or fear that we’ll get blasted on social media if we say the wrong thing, or what have you.
And, I had mentioned to my sister that I was starting this website. I told her that it felt like it was time to share my truth, my POV, my way of relating to the world. And, I thought that maybe I had figured out how to get around the fear, around the blockage I often stumble on, how to feel like I could speak or write with a little more courage, with a little less worry about what other people’s reactions would be. It all came down to realizing that if I tell my story, if what I am say comes from my lived experiences, then that’s enough. Because, in the end, it’s my truth. Not everyone will resonate with it, or agree with it, or like it, but probably some will. And even if no one does, that’s okay, too. Because in the end, if I’m being honest, if I’m being real, then I’m being authentic, and I’m being who I am. And I am the only one who is an expert on me.
And then, at some point, I heard myself say,
You can’t be an imposter
in conversation with my sister
if you’re being yourself.
november 23, 2024
We were both struck by the thought, and each of us rushed to jot it down. The thought came like a flash, from out of nowhere, and felt like something I needed to remember just as much as it needed to be expressed to someone else. It felt like medicine.
So that’s it. That’s why I’m here. To share and embody my truth, with the hope that in so doing, I might encourage you to embody your own.
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